I haven't written much lately... to be honest, I've been feeling rather uninspired and dry. These last six months have been somewhat of a whirlwind. Without revealing too many details to the entire world wide web, this past summer I quit my job, gave up my apartment, and moved to a small town to work at a Bible college. I started this journey full of faith and fire. I truly saw God preparing me for this change. I saw his hand in the transition, and knew I was going where He wanted me. I was an adventurer taking on uncharted territory. Like the independent woman I am, I put on my best brave face and started out with tons of passion and zeal. But like any 'good' thing, feelings come and go, and after the initial adrenaline and excitement wore off, I soon found myself overwhelmed, lonely and feeling extremely isolated and discouraged.
It wasn't that I stopped believing that God had me where I was supposed to be... day after day I continued to have affirmation and encouragement from others that I was where I was supposed to be, but I couldn't understand why God would send me somewhere where I constantly felt like I was being thrown in to situations where I felt in over my head and set up to fail. Rather than embracing this as an opportunity to allow God's power to work through me, pride kept telling me 'You can do this! You got this! You just need to try harder!' but by December I found myself in one of the darkest places I have been in a long time. I questioned God's goodness and His love for me. These ever-growing feelings I had, slowly squeezed out the remaining ounces of hope that I was hanging on to.
It wasn't that I stopped believing that God had me where I was supposed to be... day after day I continued to have affirmation and encouragement from others that I was where I was supposed to be, but I couldn't understand why God would send me somewhere where I constantly felt like I was being thrown in to situations where I felt in over my head and set up to fail. Rather than embracing this as an opportunity to allow God's power to work through me, pride kept telling me 'You can do this! You got this! You just need to try harder!' but by December I found myself in one of the darkest places I have been in a long time. I questioned God's goodness and His love for me. These ever-growing feelings I had, slowly squeezed out the remaining ounces of hope that I was hanging on to.
The fact that I was still trying to ‘fit in to’ a new community only added to the pain. I felt as though I had lost all joy, but pride kept me from truly expressing that to others. And even worse, it kept me from drawing near to Jesus. I tried to put on my best face to others, and to God. But most of the time, inside, I felt as though I was barely holding it together. This is when isolation took over. I longed to be around people but I couldn’t stand the exhausting thought of trying to pretend I was happy, and so it was easier to pull away, only further adding to the depression and loneliness.
Thankfully, a few introspective people noticed this, and as I began to trust them and grew ever-desperate to feel joy again, I opened up with honesty about how I had been feeling. This meant alot of tears, alot of moments where I felt as though I couldn’t hold it together, alot of moments of having to let go of my pride in order to grow in intimacy with both God and others. Alot of embracing the mess I felt I had become. It wasn’t easy. But I’m learning more and more that God is jealous for me. He knew the pain I was feeling and constantly put others in my path to speak words of life to me- whether it was through receiving notes, flowers, or simply someone stopping by my office to ask how I was doing- God was relentless in pursuing me.
These last few weeks have been better- not perfect, but better. My days are brighter and I am better able to see God’s love in tangible ways. Not only that, but it’s in this season of drought that I have begun pursuing a new hobby: painting. To be honest, I’ve never really been a hobby person and when people ask me “what’s your hobby?” I usually fumble over words and come up with something like “uh… having coffee with people? Is that even a hobby?” I find it hard to do things I’m not perfect at, which of course means, I hardly ever try anything new, and if I do, it usually lasts all of three days if I haven't mastered it in that time period. Again, pride. The same pride that keeps me from being vulnerable with others, the same pride the keeps me from getting on my knees before God asking Him to cleanse me, revive me, strengthen me, and fill me. God is using this season to break down that pride and one of the things to come out of this, is letting myself try new things and do new things, imperfectly.
My grandma was an artist. In the many years before her passing, she made beautiful art. I always admired her work- the finished product. But the thing is, I rarely was there watching the process- the hours of practice, mistakes and do-overs that went into her masterpieces. Beautiful masterpieces take hours upon hours of loving and caring labour to create. (I read online that da Vinci took 12 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.... I'm not sure if this is true or not, but if it is, kudos to da Vinci for sticking it out that long! :) ) God cares about us FAR MORE than da Vinci cared about the Mona Lisa. As I’ve been spending hours painting in my free time, God is teaching me that He is not finished with me yet. I am a masterpiece in progress. The me that I see right now, is not the finished product. Day after day He is building on the work that He started the day I invited Jesus into my life to be my Saviour. It was on this day that Jesus took the mess and said “I will make her into something beautiful!” Not only that, but He is crafting me with the utmost care, love and adoration as he works- not begrudgingly.
My grandma was an artist. In the many years before her passing, she made beautiful art. I always admired her work- the finished product. But the thing is, I rarely was there watching the process- the hours of practice, mistakes and do-overs that went into her masterpieces. Beautiful masterpieces take hours upon hours of loving and caring labour to create. (I read online that da Vinci took 12 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.... I'm not sure if this is true or not, but if it is, kudos to da Vinci for sticking it out that long! :) ) God cares about us FAR MORE than da Vinci cared about the Mona Lisa. As I’ve been spending hours painting in my free time, God is teaching me that He is not finished with me yet. I am a masterpiece in progress. The me that I see right now, is not the finished product. Day after day He is building on the work that He started the day I invited Jesus into my life to be my Saviour. It was on this day that Jesus took the mess and said “I will make her into something beautiful!” Not only that, but He is crafting me with the utmost care, love and adoration as he works- not begrudgingly.
When I’m painting, I start with an outline. It’s a one dimensional sketch- but there is no real beauty there until I start adding in the details- the shadows and colours that add depth and wonder… the real challenge through learning this art has been trusting the process. Pride keeps me from believing that as I shade and colour, something truly beautiful will eventually be born. Pride tells me that unless I’m perfect at something I shouldn’t even bother trying. It’s been a real test of patience, perseverance and humility to push myself to try new techniques and experiment. Everything that I have painted so far has been imperfect, and I am no where near the artist I hope to be one day- I’ve only been doing this for a month! But I am learning that it is not about creating something perfect- it's about creating things that are flawed and unique yet beautiful and lovely- expressions of who I am inside and who God created me to be.
This is a reflection of God’s work in my life. I don’t like the messy. I don’t like unfinished chapters in my life and I certainly don’t like it when God chooses to erase something that He knows won’t fit beautifully into the finished product. But I am learning to trust the Artist. I am learning to lay down my pride and actually be okay with the messy, the ugly, and the unfinished chapters because I know that this is only part of the process, not the final masterpiece. God will not leave any picture unfinished.
“Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no handles?’ ...I made the earth and created man on it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens.” Isaiah 45:9,12
“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit" 2 Cor 3:18
“He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Phil 1:6
These are great and precious promises. Pride makes us think that by hiding, we are managing the mess because we don’t have to see it (and we hope with all our being that others aren't seeing it either) but this is foolishness! A mess doesn't go away because you close your eyes!
When we humble ourselves, God allows us to see the mess for what it is, but rather than leaving us in despair, He offers His glorious solution. It is in humility that we put the brush back in His hand, freeing ourselves from the burden of trying our hardest to make our own masterpiece. When we invite Jesus to come in and take over and do His work we can trust that He will never create something that is less than perfect.
This perfection that we all long for is only found in Him and that is worth laying down your pride for.
You may not be finished yet, but as God's masterpiece, one day you will be!
When we humble ourselves, God allows us to see the mess for what it is, but rather than leaving us in despair, He offers His glorious solution. It is in humility that we put the brush back in His hand, freeing ourselves from the burden of trying our hardest to make our own masterpiece. When we invite Jesus to come in and take over and do His work we can trust that He will never create something that is less than perfect.
This perfection that we all long for is only found in Him and that is worth laying down your pride for.
You may not be finished yet, but as God's masterpiece, one day you will be!
