New Blog Domain

Hello Friends and Family!

I have a new website up and running! There is still some work to be done, but I will no longer be using this blog. If you wish to stay connected with me, please subscribe to my new blog:

arrowandclay.com

This blog will include more of my art content and, Lord-willing, eventually a store where you can purchase things.

Thank you for your support!!

xo

Andrea

Blue Roses

As I continue to express myself through art, I am amazed how much it is teaching me about life,  faith, God and myself.

 

This picture started out as a mess. Quite literally. I was picturing sea water, being swallowed up in it- quite frankly that's sometimes how I feel- how we all feel. But as I began to layer on the paint I saw roses....and then more roses. and before I knew it I had an abstract sea of roses. Life is like that sometimes. It's out of the tumultuous waters that God makes something beautiful out us. 

As I was looking at this picture last night, I began to feel emotional. There are some roses in the picture that are barely seen, some are struggling to come to the surface, while others are vibrant and formed, standing out above the rest. Often I see myself as the struggling one - trying to get my mouth to the surface to catch some air. It feels as though others have overtaken me, and I'm fighting just to survive. (Depression is like that). 

As I pondered this, God brought to my mind Psalm 107. Below is a portion. 

Some went down to the sea in ships,

    doing business on the great waters;

24 

they saw the deeds of the Lord,

    his wondrous works in the deep.

25 

For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,

    which lifted up the waves of the sea.

26 

They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;

    their courage melted away in their evil plight;

27 

they reeled and staggered like drunken men

    and were at their wits' end.

28 

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

    and he delivered them from their distress.

29 

He made the storm be still,

    and the waves of the sea were hushed.

30 

Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,

    and he brought them to their desired haven.

31 

Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,

    for his wondrous works to the children of man!

32 

Let them extol him in the congregation of the people,

    and praise him in the assembly of the elders.

He commanded and raised the stormy wind. God is sovereign over the wind and the waves. Sometimes He appoints them. 

They saw his wondrous works in the deep. Are deep waters really the worst place to be if that is where I can see God and know and understand Him more fully? Maybe He has me here for this very reason. 

He brought them to their desired haven [a place of safety and refuge]. This is a promise. I desire to be safe, at rest, and at peace. God will bring me there. I can trust that He will. 

Which rose do you see yourself as? Know whether you are struggling for air, swallowed up by the waters or blooming bright and beautiful, God is with you. His steadfast love will be with you. Thank Him for that. 

We are all unfinished masterpieces...

I haven't written much lately... to be honest, I've been feeling rather uninspired and dry. These last six months have been somewhat of a whirlwind. Without revealing too many details to the entire world wide web, this past summer I quit my job, gave up my apartment, and moved to a small town to work at a Bible college. I started this journey full of faith and fire. I truly saw God preparing me for this change. I saw his hand in the transition, and knew I was going where He wanted me. I was an adventurer taking on uncharted territory. Like the independent woman I am, I put on my best brave face and started out with tons of passion and zeal. But like any 'good' thing, feelings come and go, and after the initial adrenaline and excitement wore off,  I soon found myself overwhelmed, lonely and feeling extremely isolated and discouraged. 

It wasn't that I stopped believing that God had me where I was supposed to be... day after day I continued to have affirmation and encouragement from others that I was where I was supposed to be, but I couldn't understand why God would send me somewhere where I constantly felt like I was being thrown in to situations where I felt in over my head and set up to fail. Rather than embracing this as an opportunity to allow God's power to work through me, pride kept telling me 'You can do this! You got this! You just need to try harder!' but by December I found myself in one of the darkest places I have been in a long time. I questioned God's goodness and His love for me. These ever-growing feelings I had, slowly squeezed out the remaining ounces of hope that I was hanging on to.

The fact that I was still trying to ‘fit in to’ a new community only added to the pain. I felt as though I had lost all joy, but pride kept me from truly expressing that to others. And even worse, it kept me from drawing near to Jesus. I tried to put on my best face to others, and to God. But most of the time, inside, I felt as though I was barely holding it together. This is when isolation took over. I longed to be around people but I couldn’t stand the exhausting thought of trying to pretend I was happy, and so it was easier to pull away, only further adding to the depression and loneliness.

Thankfully, a few introspective people noticed this, and as I began to trust them and grew ever-desperate to feel joy again, I opened up with honesty about how I had been feeling. This meant alot of tears, alot of moments where I felt as though I couldn’t hold it together, alot of moments of having to let go of my pride in order to grow in intimacy with both God and others. Alot of embracing the mess I felt I had become.  It wasn’t easy. But I’m learning more and more that God is jealous for me. He knew the pain I was feeling and constantly put others in my path to speak words of life to me- whether it was through receiving notes, flowers, or simply someone stopping by my office to ask how I was doing- God was relentless in pursuing me.

These last few weeks have been better- not perfect, but better. My days are brighter and I am better able to see God’s love in tangible ways. Not only that, but it’s in this season of drought that I have begun pursuing a new hobby: painting. To be honest, I’ve never really been a hobby person and when people ask me “what’s your hobby?” I usually fumble over words and come up with something like “uh… having coffee with people? Is that even a hobby?” I find it hard to do things I’m not perfect at, which of course means, I hardly ever try anything new, and if I do, it usually lasts all of three days if I haven't mastered it in that time period. Again, pride. The same pride that keeps me from being vulnerable with others, the same pride the keeps me from getting on my knees before God asking Him to cleanse me, revive me, strengthen me, and fill me. God is using this season to break down that pride and one of the things to come out of this, is letting myself try new things and do new things, imperfectly. 

My grandma was an artist. In the many years before her passing, she made beautiful art. I always admired her work- the finished product. But the thing is, I rarely was there watching the process- the hours of practice, mistakes and do-overs that went into her masterpieces.  Beautiful masterpieces take hours upon hours of loving and caring labour to create. (I read online that da Vinci took 12 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.... I'm not sure if this is true or not, but if it is, kudos to da Vinci for sticking it out that long! :) ) God cares about us FAR MORE than da Vinci cared about the Mona Lisa. As I’ve been spending hours painting in my free time, God is teaching me that He is not finished with me yet. I am a masterpiece in progress. The me that I see right now, is not the finished product.  Day after day He is building on the work that He started the day I invited Jesus into my life to be my Saviour. It was on this day that Jesus took the mess and said “I will make her into something beautiful!” Not only that, but He is crafting me with the utmost care, love and adoration as he works- not begrudgingly.  

When I’m painting, I start with an outline. It’s a one dimensional sketch- but there is no real beauty there until I start adding in the details- the shadows and colours that add depth and wonder… the real challenge through learning this art has been trusting the process. Pride keeps me from believing that as I shade and colour, something truly beautiful will eventually be born. Pride tells me that unless I’m perfect at something I shouldn’t even bother trying. It’s been a real test of patience, perseverance and humility to push myself to try new techniques and experiment. Everything that I have painted so far has been imperfect, and I am no where near the artist I hope to be one day- I’ve only been doing this for a month! But I am learning that it is not about creating something perfect- it's about creating things that are flawed and unique yet beautiful and lovely- expressions of who I am inside and who God created me to be. 

This is a reflection of God’s work in my life. I don’t like the messy. I don’t like unfinished chapters in my life and I certainly don’t like it when God chooses to erase something that He knows won’t fit beautifully into the finished product.  But I am learning to trust the Artist. I am learning to lay down my pride and actually be okay with the messy, the ugly, and the unfinished chapters because I know that this is only part of the process, not the final masterpiece. God will not leave any picture unfinished.

“Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no handles?’ ...I made the earth and created man on it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens.” Isaiah 45:9,12

“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit" 2 Cor 3:18

“He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Phil 1:6

These are great and precious promises. Pride makes us think that by hiding, we are managing the mess because we don’t have to see it (and we hope with all our being that others aren't seeing it either) but this is foolishness! A mess doesn't go away because you close your eyes! 

When we humble ourselves, God allows us to see the mess for what it is, but rather than leaving us in despair, He offers His glorious solution. It is in humility that we put the brush back in His hand, freeing ourselves from the burden of trying our hardest to make our own masterpiece. When we invite Jesus to come in and take over and do His work we can trust that He will never create something that is less than perfect. 

This perfection that we all long for is only found in Him and that is worth laying down your pride for. 

You may not be finished yet, but as God's masterpiece, one day you will be!

I have anxiety, but anxiety does not have me

Anxiety- a dragon I am familiar with, but when it shows up, I never feel prepared to slay it. Yesterday was one of those days where this dragon made its unwelcome, unpredictable, and untimely appearance. As I sit at my desk, sipping coffee and checking emails like any other day, my phone rings and a mistake I made the day before is gently pointed out to me- a comment that wouldn't typically cause any kind of alarm. We all make mistakes and this one was minor and fixable with little to no consequences - but after hanging up the phone, before I know it, my thoughts are spinning out of control, my heart is pounding, I'm gasping for air, my palms are sweaty, my torso begins shaking, and I'm doubled over in my office chair hoping none of my coworkers notice this unsightly and 'unprofessional' act that's occurring right beside them.  Time freezes- I try to rationalize what was just said, logic tells me that I'm overreacting but as my body and mind seem to spin out of control I lose grasp of all reality  and convince myself that I've failed and disappointed and I will only ever fail and disappoint.

Before I know it I am in full blown 'adrenaline junky mode'. If I was in any kind of danger, this would be a wonderful thing. This adrenaline is what gives people the seemingly supernatural strength to react in life threatening situations. But as I sit bent over in my office chair with no real target to direct my adrenaline towards, it begins to come out of my body in uncontrollable sobs, deep gasps for air and body shakes, all the while feeling as though someone has slammed a 2x4 against my chest so that I cannot take the oxygen back in that I so desperately need in that moment.

Meanwhile, I don't even notice the fact that two of my coworkers have walked in and are watching this unfold, until I faintly hear "are you okay?! Obviously you aren't okay...." Startled by the fact that I now know someone sees this, the anxiety grows worse and I start to feel as though I will pass out, and so I try to implement controlled breathing techniques, knowing if I don't get oxygen soon I WILL pass out.  Then I hear another voice, "is there anything we can do to help?" I want to shout all kinds of things like "get out!! This is embarassing!" Or "yes, please remove the invisible 2X4 that's pressing on my chest!!" But I can only squeeze out a faint "pray...."and hope desperately in that moment that the Holy Spirit will come and overpower the monster that seems to have taken over my body. ( by this point I can't even remember what triggered all this in the first place, only feeding my confusion and fear).

This time, the anxiety does seem to let go and I can finally take the controlled deep breaths that my lungs and brain so desperately need. As I recover, my body feels as though it has just run  a full marathon in 7 minutes.

So now what? As reality begins to catch up with me, I realize there are still two bewildered coworkers standing by me, trying to sympathize and understand as much as they can, and I thank God for them ( though in the moment I felt like I sooner would have died than have someone see me like that!!). Now I am in 'flight' mode.... I want to hide, partly out of shame because 2 people have just witnessed this traumatic, confusing, unexplainable and illogical event. But also simply because of the fact that I have now expended a days worth of energy in less than ten minutes- talk about exhaustion.

To those who have never experienced this, you are likely just as baffled and confused by this event as I am. I wish there was a way I could explain it to you, make sense of it for you- just as much as I wish I could for myself. But I have not gotten there yet, I am trying too, but I don't know if I ever will.

To those of you who experience these attacks, I am empathize with you as much as one can. You are brave. You are strong. You are an overcomer and I stand with you.

Thank you to each and everyone one of you who have stood by a friend, coworker, family member or maybe even a stranger, who was in the middle of one of these battles. Thank you for trying with the best of your ability to understand exactly what is going on in our minds and our bodies.  Thank you for not making us feel like the monsters we are facing-for seeing that though we have anxiety we are not anxiety. 

We are real people.  We have jobs we love. We have friends and family we adore.  We enjoy life and laughter. We are normal people suffering from the effects of living in a broken and decaying world just as you are. You may get a migraines, have diabetes, or suffer from chronic pain.  I have anxiety.  You have pain.  But we are not our anxiety and we are not our pain.

Next time you see me, you may look at me bewildered at how such a vibrant, bubbly, outgoing, confident and composed person as myself could really be the person I just described. That's okay,  because trust me, when I looked in the mirror today I wondered the same thing and asked myself if yesterday was just a dream.

On Monday I will go back to work and carry on with my social life as if nothing happened and remind myself yet again that I have anxiety but anxiety does not have me. 

I do not know again when this dragon will make its appearance. I only know it will, and probably at an equally inconvient and unconventional time as i described above; but in the meantime I will live like a victor, not a victim.

I have anxiety, but anxiety does not have me. 

Misguided Longings

Yesterday I was out for a walk with a friend. Exploring and admiring God's creation, we were sharing with each other things that our Heavenly Father has been teaching us. Somehow we got on the topic of longings. What are they? Where do they come from? How do we fulfill them?

Both being single gals, we discussed our longings for constant companionship. My friend shared about a time in particular that she was watching the sunset and the thought crossed her mind: "It would sure be nice if I had someone beside me to experience this moment with."

This is a longing I can all-too-often identify with. It a longing that comes when I'm in a room full of couples who are snuggled up with one another, and I notice the empty spot beside me; it's a longing that strikes when I get home from a stressful day of work and only wish I had someone waiting for me at home with whom I could unload the woes of my day on; it's a longing that overwhelms me when I once more watch a friend walk down the aisle to the love of her life or when my Facebook newsfeed is flooded by posts about someone getting engaged or someone expecting a baby. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to complain, get sympathy, or discourage anyone from posting pictures of your babies on Facebook! In fact, it brings me great joy to see my friends experience these things! I love weddings and I love my friend's babies... but the joy that I feel for them does not dissipate my own longings for these things).

Many times satan has used these longings to drive me to guilt, despair, and anger; guilt that I even have these longings in the first place; despair because these longings seem to go unfulfilled; and eventually this guilt and despair give birth to anger, anger because I buy into the lie that a loving God would give me a longing for something that He constantly seems to leave unsatisfied.

I've been stuck at this disheartening place for a while. It has caused me to pull away from God in shame that I would be feeling these things when I know deep down that God is good and He is loving.

But in God's mercy, not only does He know I've been struggling with this shame, He's also been actively pursuing me so that I may come to the knowledge of the TRUTH. He used my friend yesterday evening to reveal just enough of that truth so that the guilt, despair, and anger that I have been hiding behind could begin to fall away.

The life-giving truth came not in the first thing she said; it came in the words that followed:

"I realized in that moment... that what I was actually longing for was God himself, for  restoration back to Him, for His perfect beauty" 

Tears welled up in my eyes as she spoke these sweet words of truth and my heart began to sing.

All this time, my longings have been misguided, causing me to believe a two-fold lie: these longings are for earthly things and can, therefore, be satisfied by earthly things. 

We read in God's Word....

"My soul is consumed with longing for your rules at all times"

                                                                                  Psalm 119:20

"My soul longs for you in the night, my spirit within me

earnestly seeks you"

                                                                                 Isa 26:9

"My soul longs for your salvation; I hope in your word"

                                                                         Psalm 119:81

"As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul

for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God"

                                                                             Psalm 42:1-2

"My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD;

my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God"

                                                                          Psalm 84:2

These longings I have are actually for something more, for something eternally beautiful, for something heavenly. It's a longing that God himself placed within me, and it's a longing that only God himself can satisfy. Not only that, but also, whether we recognize it or not, we are always longing for God. Our soul and spirit are created to long for God. In fact, so much so, that we are consumed by these longings. 

My spirit longs for God like my thirsty mouth longs for water. It's how God designed me, intentionally designed me, that I may find Him. I cannot escape these longings.

In the night when I go to bed lonely, when I am most vulnerable, my soul and spirit are actually crying out for God.

In moments when I am consumed by a desire to have a companion to share the beauty of a moment with, my soul and spirit are actually longing for the eternal beauty of God, for an unbroken and unhindered relationship with Him, a relationship that Adam and Eve experienced with God in the garden right before sin entered the world. 

Yes, sin broke that perfect relationship, leaving us with a constant longing. But we are not without hope, for from the moment Adam and Eve sinned, God asked man 

"Where are you?"

and He's been asking us that question ever since. 

It's within this question that we discover:

                                      not only are we are longing for God, but He, too, is longing for us!

Oh, what beauty and what joy at this thought! As we cry out to God in our loneliness "Where are you, God?!" He is asking us the very same question! 

And so we need to stop trying to suppress these longings in a feeble attempt to numb ourselves from the guilt, despair, and anger that these longings so often create. 

Instead, we need to acknowledge where these longings come from, who they are truly made for, and how they can ultimately be satisfied. We need to acknowledge that He longs for us too!

It's only when my longing for Him and His longing for me

                                         collide 

                                                                                         that I can truly be satisfied! 

Yes, it's in this beautiful, messy collision that we find our soul and spirit can be truly satisfied.

As I am praying that I will begin to understand my longings more fully, I pray that you, too, will more fully understand yours. 

Be filled with his love and grace, my sweet friends.

What are You Waiting For?

The wilderness.... 

A place that makes us uncomfortable and anxious. A place where Satan is quick to tempt us to doubt God's plan.  A place where we so easily sin in order to satisfy the hunger and thirst in our souls. We find ourselves here when God asks us to leave something behind, but He has not yet brought us to where we are going. We find ourselves here when we fervently pray for something, but God is not answering our requests according to our timetable.

What are you waiting for?

Maybe it's a promotion at work, a house to sell, a wayward child to come back home, a broken relationship to be reconciled, direction on who to marry, financial provision to start a project, a family member or friend to be saved, healing for a sickness or disease,  or mending of a broken heart...  Whatever it may be, during these in-between-seasons, we often wonder if God hears our prayers or if He cares about us at all.

I know this discouragement because I have been there. In many ways, I am there right now. There are things in my life I believe God has promised to me that are yet to be fulfilled.  I am thankful for God's word that gives us perfect guidance on what and what not to do when we find ourselves at this place. Looking to the example of the Israelites in the Old Testament during their 40 years in the wilderness before entering the Promised Land,  we see how sin and rebellion caused them to miss out on God's greatest blessings. There are 2 obvious sins that the Israelites commit while in the wilderness that I will point out, because I believe these two examples sum up almost entirely the reactions we are all prone to have when we find ourselves in the wilderness season's of our own lives.


1) They grumble and complain and wish that God had let them stay in Egypt (aka Bondage)

“The whole congregation of the sons of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness. Would that we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full, for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” (Exodus 16:2-3)

Why would He bring them this far only to let them die of hunger?! Don't we ask ourselves the same thing. Why would God put this dream/desire in my heart if he is never going to fulfill it?! Why would God lay this person on my heart to pray for if He is never going to answer us?! We ask  ourselves these questions, because we don't believe that God is going to provide a way FOR US. We are foolish to think that while we wait on God to act, He has somehow forgotten us. That is not the God of the bible.

2) They turn to idolatry.

The people gathered themselves together to Aaron and said to him, “Up, make us gods who shall go before us. As for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him...“These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!” Exodus 32:2;4

 

Before you are quick to judge the obvious idolatry of the Israelites, look into your own heart. We do the same thing. We are quick to forget that it is God who has delivered us from our life of sin and bondage in the first place. Rather than letting the hunger and thirst drive us towards God, we charge ahead and make our own way. Instead of patiently waiting in the wilderness to see how God will make this all work out, we turn to the idols of our heart and try to fulfill our desires/dreams in our own way through sinful means. We put ourselves back in the very bondage that God delivered us from!

They failed to understand that the trials and the hunger and thirsting served a purpose. It pointed them to their greater need and God glorified His own name through his miraculous provisions (Deut 8:18). Ultimately, because of their sin and rebellion,  a whole generation missed out on entering the Promised Land (Numbers 14:20-23). That should serve us a huge warning to us. What we do with our time in the wilderness has consequences. We can choose to grumble and complain and turn to idolatry, or we can walk in obedience and trust God to provide for us in his good and perfect timing. What does this look like practically for us? Using God's word, I have come up with some suggestions.

Don't turn around!  If God has called you to move forward with something, move forward!! Satan will tempt you to look back and long for the "fullness" you had before you came to the wilderness. But remember, God is bringing you to something BETTER. Trust the process! Be persistent in prayer! (Romans 12:12)

Don't fear the wilderness Sometimes in the midst of the wilderness, we are tempted to find the easiest and quickest way out or beg God to completely take us around it, but then we would completely miss the lessons that God is trying to teach us. Let Him take you through it. Let Him refine you, even when it hurts!  (Job 23:10; 1 Peter 5:10)

Be obedient in the small things. Do not expect God to do a miracle for you when you aren't walking according to his Word right where He has you. God expects obedience 100% of the time, regardless of our circumstances. The wilderness is not an excuse to stop serving and loving God with our whole hearts. (Luke 16:10)

Resist the temptation to satisfy your needs through your own means, leading to sin and idolatry. This happens so easily. God isn't satisfying your desire for a spouse, so you turn to pornography and ungodly relationships. Sex becomes a god. God isn't giving you the breakthrough you need in your career to earn a greater income, so you turn to gambling and dishonest ways of earning money. Money becomes a god. You experience loneliness, so you turn to food or shopping or excessive exercise to fill the void in your heart. These all become gods. This is idolatry. (Ex 20:3)

 Thank God for all he has done and will do. We are to present our requests with thanksgiving. Don't expect the peace of God to come over you if you are failing to thank God while you are still in the wilderness. The peace that surpasses all understanding is only a promise to those who make supplication with praise and thanksgiving. (Phil 4:6-7).

Expect provisions in unexpected ways. God made manna fall from heaven and water flow from a rock (Isaiah 48:21; Ps 78:24) Don't underestimate your God! He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is sovereign over all mankind and all creation. He can move the mountain and part the sea that is standing in your way!
 
Don't trust your feelings. Trust in God's character as revealed in the Scriptures. Whether you "feel" God near or not, He is with you.  Just as Yahweh was with the Israelites in the wilderness guiding them and going before them (Deut 31:6), the Holy Spirit is with you guiding you, helping you, and teaching you (John 14:26).

Most importantly, keep your eyes on Jesus. He is the author and finished of your faith! He is the one who will enable you to run with endurance and finish the race (Heb 12:2).
 

 Whether you find yourself at the start, at the end, or somewhere in the middle of a wilderness season, I encourage you to continue to trust and walk in obedience. We serve a good God! Satan wants to use this season to crush you, discourage you, and distract you. God wants to use this season to strengthen you, refine you, and draw you to Himself. Christ has already given you the victory over whatever you are facing! Move forward with boldness and faith!

*It wasn't that long ago that I went through a season of severe drought in my own life. It was painful. I watched so many things in my life that I had worked for crumble before my eyes. I felt as though I was being stripped from the inside out. There were many times when I begged God to "get me out" or "take the pain away." But he so lovingly whispered to me There is no way around this. You must go through this so you can receive the blessings that I have for you on the other side. Did I like this answer? Absolutely not, but I knew that to take the easy way out would cause me to forfeit whatever it was God was trying to teach me. Instead, I chose to submit and my prayer became God whatever it takes, keep me here. Every time I'm tempted to run from you, bring me to my knees in surrender. God heard my prayer and lovingly guided me through every tearful breakdown, every fist-pounding moment of anger and grief, and every moment of wanting to completely take off and run in the opposite direction of where He was taking me.  As I waited on God the treasures began to grow, the anger subsided, and submission became easier.  I had peace in my heart. I understood God's love for me in a way that I never had before. The pain and grief I experienced during this season was very real, but beauty rose from the ashes. I'm so glad that God took me through this wilderness and not around it.  He is faithful! (You can read more about this story here).*

I Won't Stand By

I won't stand by
    and watch a world full of darkness spiral into despair
    with hands reaching out for rescue
    when I know the One who shines into the hearts of men and breaks the power of darkness.

I won't stand by
    as the enemy claims his victims one by one
    feeding lies into the minds of those who have never been told the truth
   when I have personally experienced the saving power of Jesus Christ.

I won't stand by
    and let a nation stumble around as a hopeless generation
    the blind leading the blind into a pit of confusion
    when I know the one who can remove the scales from their eyes.

I won't stand by
   as children are abandoned by their parents,
   left on the street to defend for themselves
   when I know the One who is the defender and father of the orphan.

I won't stand by
   and let souls be swept into Hell for all eternity
   forever separated from the One who gave His Son to save them
   when He has given me a mouth to boldly proclaim the mystery of the gospel.

We are the hands and feet of Jesus.

These are some scrambled thoughts that I have this afternoon. My heart is broken for this world in extraordinary ways today. I spent the evening yesterday at our city drop in center for youth, where I have been volunteering for past several months. God is doing some incredible things through this organization, and the more time I spend there, the more time I am in awe of the vast number of broken and hurting youth in this city who are in need of a message of hope and healing!

Partnering with the Holy Spirit and a sister in Christ yesterday, I was privileged to partake in the work of God and bring a glimmer of hope to a very hurt and angry little boy. A boy who is a victim of the world's messed up system, a product of a broken marriage.... who wants nothing more than for his mommy and his daddy to be together so he can have a "normal life"...who believes that it was his fault that this happened, and believes the lie that he is a "total waste of space." (His own words, not mine).

It all started when a good friend of mine who was also there last evening ran into this boy about half an hour earlier... the boy told her about how he was extremely depressed. She tried to tell him about Jesus, but he shut down and refused to listen. When she came and told me about this, I was determined to find him and share my own story with him. My friend and I walked outside and spent some time praying for God to bring this boy to us, for God to break down the walls around his heart, and let us share the gospel with him.

We walked down the street to a group of 4 or 5 boys sitting on a bench. At this point I had no clue that one of them was the boy I had just prayed for. I asked them each their name, and as I came to the boy on the far right who was secluded from the others, he told me with a smirk on his face that his name was "Hosé", to which I replied in a joking manner "No it isn't!! You're lying to me! What's your real name!" The guys beside him shouted "His name is _____!", but I still hadn't clued in that this was the boy I had just petitioned to God about. I was instantly drawn to his mischievous smile, round innocent face, and his Ninja Turtle sweater.

I started asking him questions about his life, to which he was giving me short and abrupt answers. When my friend (who had first talked to him earlier) said "Why don't you tell her about the depression. I know she will understand because she has a story just like it!" I clued in that this was "the boy." Wow, the Holy Spirit was moving already! Talk about an answer to prayer!

He continued to be cold and distant and distracted by everything around him. But when I asked him if he would hear about my story of how God rescued me from my own darkness and despair, and how I met Jesus Christ and experienced Him as a Living Saviour, he started to listen with open ears and slowly began spilling to me the broken places of his heart. We continued to chat and exchange parts of our stories with one another. He began to see that he was not alone in his struggle. I, too, had been there. I knew this feeling of hopelessness, depression, and despair that he was explaining to me. The fact that I could understand him was the first glimmer of hope for him. [God uses our broken experiences to reach those who are going through the same struggles. Don't ever think that your past disqualifies you from being a beacon of light. In fact, as a jar of clay, the more cracks you have, the more the light is able to shine through].

I flipped open a bible and had Him read with me John 3:16, a familiar passage to most of you I'm sure, but to a boy who had never before heard that God loved Him, the words fell on his heart like balm to a bleeding and open wound. After we spent some time more time talking about Jesus,  I asked him if I could pray for him. I sensed in my spirit that there still seemed to be things he was hiding from me.  After I finished praying, I looked up and watched tears stream down his face. Through that prayer, God tore down his "tough guy" exterior.  God revealed to me who I was really talking to. The Holy Spirit prompted me to ask him more questions about his home life, and he told me about how he lived with just his mom because his parents were divorced. He now had to live separated from his dad and some of his siblings who chose to live with his dad. I told him I was sorry that he had to go through this and I was very sad for him, to which he replied, "It hurts me so much." I couldn't hold back my own tears at this point. This was a child who was made in the image of God, but whose image was severely marred by the effects of sin, a child who was longing for restoration, but didn't know where to find it. He told me that he wore a mask of anger, humour, and sarcasm to hide the pain he really felt. I kept pointing him to the cross. It was all my broken heart could do to console him. All the words of consolation I had to offer him were futile in comparison to the message of Jesus' work on the cross.

As we both began to shiver in the cold,  I asked him to look me straight in the eye, listen to me and never forget the words I was about to tell him. With his teary eyes on mine, I said  "You, _____,  are not a waste of space. That is a lie from Satan. God has a plan for your life. Jesus loves you and died for you! He wants to know you and have a relationship with you!"

I was a tangible expression of God's love to him that evening, and in a matter of minutes, his demeanour completely changed. Suddenly his eyes shone a little brighter, and I saw some relief in his tired little spirit. Our conversation ended there, and I asked him if he would take a gospel of John home with him. He smiled, thanked me, and tucked it into the pocket of his Ninja Turtle sweater, a stark reminder to me that though he spoke as one with the experiences and heartaches of an adult, he was still only a little boy.  I don't know if he will ever read it, or how much he will remember about our conversation, but I can only pray that the Holy Spirit will continue to draw him to Jesus Christ and that He will send others to water the seed that was planted. I leave him in God's hands. It is God who must make the seed grow and bear fruit.



This is one story of one boy.

He is one out of hundreds of youth in this city who are in the same position. 

There are thousands more like him in cities across this country. 

There are millions more like him in nations all over this world. 

Will you be the hands and feet of Jesus to one today?

Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God."