Anxiety- a dragon I am familiar with, but when it shows up, I never feel prepared to slay it. Yesterday was one of those days where this dragon made its unwelcome, unpredictable, and untimely appearance. As I sit at my desk, sipping coffee and checking emails like any other day, my phone rings and a mistake I made the day before is gently pointed out to me- a comment that wouldn't typically cause any kind of alarm. We all make mistakes and this one was minor and fixable with little to no consequences - but after hanging up the phone, before I know it, my thoughts are spinning out of control, my heart is pounding, I'm gasping for air, my palms are sweaty, my torso begins shaking, and I'm doubled over in my office chair hoping none of my coworkers notice this unsightly and 'unprofessional' act that's occurring right beside them. Time freezes- I try to rationalize what was just said, logic tells me that I'm overreacting but as my body and mind seem to spin out of control I lose grasp of all reality and convince myself that I've failed and disappointed and I will only ever fail and disappoint.
Before I know it I am in full blown 'adrenaline junky mode'. If I was in any kind of danger, this would be a wonderful thing. This adrenaline is what gives people the seemingly supernatural strength to react in life threatening situations. But as I sit bent over in my office chair with no real target to direct my adrenaline towards, it begins to come out of my body in uncontrollable sobs, deep gasps for air and body shakes, all the while feeling as though someone has slammed a 2x4 against my chest so that I cannot take the oxygen back in that I so desperately need in that moment.
Meanwhile, I don't even notice the fact that two of my coworkers have walked in and are watching this unfold, until I faintly hear "are you okay?! Obviously you aren't okay...." Startled by the fact that I now know someone sees this, the anxiety grows worse and I start to feel as though I will pass out, and so I try to implement controlled breathing techniques, knowing if I don't get oxygen soon I WILL pass out. Then I hear another voice, "is there anything we can do to help?" I want to shout all kinds of things like "get out!! This is embarassing!" Or "yes, please remove the invisible 2X4 that's pressing on my chest!!" But I can only squeeze out a faint "pray...."and hope desperately in that moment that the Holy Spirit will come and overpower the monster that seems to have taken over my body. ( by this point I can't even remember what triggered all this in the first place, only feeding my confusion and fear).
This time, the anxiety does seem to let go and I can finally take the controlled deep breaths that my lungs and brain so desperately need. As I recover, my body feels as though it has just run a full marathon in 7 minutes.
So now what? As reality begins to catch up with me, I realize there are still two bewildered coworkers standing by me, trying to sympathize and understand as much as they can, and I thank God for them ( though in the moment I felt like I sooner would have died than have someone see me like that!!). Now I am in 'flight' mode.... I want to hide, partly out of shame because 2 people have just witnessed this traumatic, confusing, unexplainable and illogical event. But also simply because of the fact that I have now expended a days worth of energy in less than ten minutes- talk about exhaustion.
To those who have never experienced this, you are likely just as baffled and confused by this event as I am. I wish there was a way I could explain it to you, make sense of it for you- just as much as I wish I could for myself. But I have not gotten there yet, I am trying too, but I don't know if I ever will.
To those of you who experience these attacks, I am empathize with you as much as one can. You are brave. You are strong. You are an overcomer and I stand with you.
Thank you to each and everyone one of you who have stood by a friend, coworker, family member or maybe even a stranger, who was in the middle of one of these battles. Thank you for trying with the best of your ability to understand exactly what is going on in our minds and our bodies. Thank you for not making us feel like the monsters we are facing-for seeing that though we have anxiety we are not anxiety.
We are real people. We have jobs we love. We have friends and family we adore. We enjoy life and laughter. We are normal people suffering from the effects of living in a broken and decaying world just as you are. You may get a migraines, have diabetes, or suffer from chronic pain. I have anxiety. You have pain. But we are not our anxiety and we are not our pain.
Next time you see me, you may look at me bewildered at how such a vibrant, bubbly, outgoing, confident and composed person as myself could really be the person I just described. That's okay, because trust me, when I looked in the mirror today I wondered the same thing and asked myself if yesterday was just a dream.
On Monday I will go back to work and carry on with my social life as if nothing happened and remind myself yet again that I have anxiety but anxiety does not have me.
I do not know again when this dragon will make its appearance. I only know it will, and probably at an equally inconvient and unconventional time as i described above; but in the meantime I will live like a victor, not a victim.
I have anxiety, but anxiety does not have me.
