Blue Roses

As I continue to express myself through art, I am amazed how much it is teaching me about life,  faith, God and myself.

 

This picture started out as a mess. Quite literally. I was picturing sea water, being swallowed up in it- quite frankly that's sometimes how I feel- how we all feel. But as I began to layer on the paint I saw roses....and then more roses. and before I knew it I had an abstract sea of roses. Life is like that sometimes. It's out of the tumultuous waters that God makes something beautiful out us. 

As I was looking at this picture last night, I began to feel emotional. There are some roses in the picture that are barely seen, some are struggling to come to the surface, while others are vibrant and formed, standing out above the rest. Often I see myself as the struggling one - trying to get my mouth to the surface to catch some air. It feels as though others have overtaken me, and I'm fighting just to survive. (Depression is like that). 

As I pondered this, God brought to my mind Psalm 107. Below is a portion. 

Some went down to the sea in ships,

    doing business on the great waters;

24 

they saw the deeds of the Lord,

    his wondrous works in the deep.

25 

For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,

    which lifted up the waves of the sea.

26 

They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;

    their courage melted away in their evil plight;

27 

they reeled and staggered like drunken men

    and were at their wits' end.

28 

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

    and he delivered them from their distress.

29 

He made the storm be still,

    and the waves of the sea were hushed.

30 

Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,

    and he brought them to their desired haven.

31 

Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,

    for his wondrous works to the children of man!

32 

Let them extol him in the congregation of the people,

    and praise him in the assembly of the elders.

He commanded and raised the stormy wind. God is sovereign over the wind and the waves. Sometimes He appoints them. 

They saw his wondrous works in the deep. Are deep waters really the worst place to be if that is where I can see God and know and understand Him more fully? Maybe He has me here for this very reason. 

He brought them to their desired haven [a place of safety and refuge]. This is a promise. I desire to be safe, at rest, and at peace. God will bring me there. I can trust that He will. 

Which rose do you see yourself as? Know whether you are struggling for air, swallowed up by the waters or blooming bright and beautiful, God is with you. His steadfast love will be with you. Thank Him for that. 

We are all unfinished masterpieces...

I haven't written much lately... to be honest, I've been feeling rather uninspired and dry. These last six months have been somewhat of a whirlwind. Without revealing too many details to the entire world wide web, this past summer I quit my job, gave up my apartment, and moved to a small town to work at a Bible college. I started this journey full of faith and fire. I truly saw God preparing me for this change. I saw his hand in the transition, and knew I was going where He wanted me. I was an adventurer taking on uncharted territory. Like the independent woman I am, I put on my best brave face and started out with tons of passion and zeal. But like any 'good' thing, feelings come and go, and after the initial adrenaline and excitement wore off,  I soon found myself overwhelmed, lonely and feeling extremely isolated and discouraged. 

It wasn't that I stopped believing that God had me where I was supposed to be... day after day I continued to have affirmation and encouragement from others that I was where I was supposed to be, but I couldn't understand why God would send me somewhere where I constantly felt like I was being thrown in to situations where I felt in over my head and set up to fail. Rather than embracing this as an opportunity to allow God's power to work through me, pride kept telling me 'You can do this! You got this! You just need to try harder!' but by December I found myself in one of the darkest places I have been in a long time. I questioned God's goodness and His love for me. These ever-growing feelings I had, slowly squeezed out the remaining ounces of hope that I was hanging on to.

The fact that I was still trying to ‘fit in to’ a new community only added to the pain. I felt as though I had lost all joy, but pride kept me from truly expressing that to others. And even worse, it kept me from drawing near to Jesus. I tried to put on my best face to others, and to God. But most of the time, inside, I felt as though I was barely holding it together. This is when isolation took over. I longed to be around people but I couldn’t stand the exhausting thought of trying to pretend I was happy, and so it was easier to pull away, only further adding to the depression and loneliness.

Thankfully, a few introspective people noticed this, and as I began to trust them and grew ever-desperate to feel joy again, I opened up with honesty about how I had been feeling. This meant alot of tears, alot of moments where I felt as though I couldn’t hold it together, alot of moments of having to let go of my pride in order to grow in intimacy with both God and others. Alot of embracing the mess I felt I had become.  It wasn’t easy. But I’m learning more and more that God is jealous for me. He knew the pain I was feeling and constantly put others in my path to speak words of life to me- whether it was through receiving notes, flowers, or simply someone stopping by my office to ask how I was doing- God was relentless in pursuing me.

These last few weeks have been better- not perfect, but better. My days are brighter and I am better able to see God’s love in tangible ways. Not only that, but it’s in this season of drought that I have begun pursuing a new hobby: painting. To be honest, I’ve never really been a hobby person and when people ask me “what’s your hobby?” I usually fumble over words and come up with something like “uh… having coffee with people? Is that even a hobby?” I find it hard to do things I’m not perfect at, which of course means, I hardly ever try anything new, and if I do, it usually lasts all of three days if I haven't mastered it in that time period. Again, pride. The same pride that keeps me from being vulnerable with others, the same pride the keeps me from getting on my knees before God asking Him to cleanse me, revive me, strengthen me, and fill me. God is using this season to break down that pride and one of the things to come out of this, is letting myself try new things and do new things, imperfectly. 

My grandma was an artist. In the many years before her passing, she made beautiful art. I always admired her work- the finished product. But the thing is, I rarely was there watching the process- the hours of practice, mistakes and do-overs that went into her masterpieces.  Beautiful masterpieces take hours upon hours of loving and caring labour to create. (I read online that da Vinci took 12 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.... I'm not sure if this is true or not, but if it is, kudos to da Vinci for sticking it out that long! :) ) God cares about us FAR MORE than da Vinci cared about the Mona Lisa. As I’ve been spending hours painting in my free time, God is teaching me that He is not finished with me yet. I am a masterpiece in progress. The me that I see right now, is not the finished product.  Day after day He is building on the work that He started the day I invited Jesus into my life to be my Saviour. It was on this day that Jesus took the mess and said “I will make her into something beautiful!” Not only that, but He is crafting me with the utmost care, love and adoration as he works- not begrudgingly.  

When I’m painting, I start with an outline. It’s a one dimensional sketch- but there is no real beauty there until I start adding in the details- the shadows and colours that add depth and wonder… the real challenge through learning this art has been trusting the process. Pride keeps me from believing that as I shade and colour, something truly beautiful will eventually be born. Pride tells me that unless I’m perfect at something I shouldn’t even bother trying. It’s been a real test of patience, perseverance and humility to push myself to try new techniques and experiment. Everything that I have painted so far has been imperfect, and I am no where near the artist I hope to be one day- I’ve only been doing this for a month! But I am learning that it is not about creating something perfect- it's about creating things that are flawed and unique yet beautiful and lovely- expressions of who I am inside and who God created me to be. 

This is a reflection of God’s work in my life. I don’t like the messy. I don’t like unfinished chapters in my life and I certainly don’t like it when God chooses to erase something that He knows won’t fit beautifully into the finished product.  But I am learning to trust the Artist. I am learning to lay down my pride and actually be okay with the messy, the ugly, and the unfinished chapters because I know that this is only part of the process, not the final masterpiece. God will not leave any picture unfinished.

“Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no handles?’ ...I made the earth and created man on it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens.” Isaiah 45:9,12

“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit" 2 Cor 3:18

“He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Phil 1:6

These are great and precious promises. Pride makes us think that by hiding, we are managing the mess because we don’t have to see it (and we hope with all our being that others aren't seeing it either) but this is foolishness! A mess doesn't go away because you close your eyes! 

When we humble ourselves, God allows us to see the mess for what it is, but rather than leaving us in despair, He offers His glorious solution. It is in humility that we put the brush back in His hand, freeing ourselves from the burden of trying our hardest to make our own masterpiece. When we invite Jesus to come in and take over and do His work we can trust that He will never create something that is less than perfect. 

This perfection that we all long for is only found in Him and that is worth laying down your pride for. 

You may not be finished yet, but as God's masterpiece, one day you will be!

I have anxiety, but anxiety does not have me

Anxiety- a dragon I am familiar with, but when it shows up, I never feel prepared to slay it. Yesterday was one of those days where this dragon made its unwelcome, unpredictable, and untimely appearance. As I sit at my desk, sipping coffee and checking emails like any other day, my phone rings and a mistake I made the day before is gently pointed out to me- a comment that wouldn't typically cause any kind of alarm. We all make mistakes and this one was minor and fixable with little to no consequences - but after hanging up the phone, before I know it, my thoughts are spinning out of control, my heart is pounding, I'm gasping for air, my palms are sweaty, my torso begins shaking, and I'm doubled over in my office chair hoping none of my coworkers notice this unsightly and 'unprofessional' act that's occurring right beside them.  Time freezes- I try to rationalize what was just said, logic tells me that I'm overreacting but as my body and mind seem to spin out of control I lose grasp of all reality  and convince myself that I've failed and disappointed and I will only ever fail and disappoint.

Before I know it I am in full blown 'adrenaline junky mode'. If I was in any kind of danger, this would be a wonderful thing. This adrenaline is what gives people the seemingly supernatural strength to react in life threatening situations. But as I sit bent over in my office chair with no real target to direct my adrenaline towards, it begins to come out of my body in uncontrollable sobs, deep gasps for air and body shakes, all the while feeling as though someone has slammed a 2x4 against my chest so that I cannot take the oxygen back in that I so desperately need in that moment.

Meanwhile, I don't even notice the fact that two of my coworkers have walked in and are watching this unfold, until I faintly hear "are you okay?! Obviously you aren't okay...." Startled by the fact that I now know someone sees this, the anxiety grows worse and I start to feel as though I will pass out, and so I try to implement controlled breathing techniques, knowing if I don't get oxygen soon I WILL pass out.  Then I hear another voice, "is there anything we can do to help?" I want to shout all kinds of things like "get out!! This is embarassing!" Or "yes, please remove the invisible 2X4 that's pressing on my chest!!" But I can only squeeze out a faint "pray...."and hope desperately in that moment that the Holy Spirit will come and overpower the monster that seems to have taken over my body. ( by this point I can't even remember what triggered all this in the first place, only feeding my confusion and fear).

This time, the anxiety does seem to let go and I can finally take the controlled deep breaths that my lungs and brain so desperately need. As I recover, my body feels as though it has just run  a full marathon in 7 minutes.

So now what? As reality begins to catch up with me, I realize there are still two bewildered coworkers standing by me, trying to sympathize and understand as much as they can, and I thank God for them ( though in the moment I felt like I sooner would have died than have someone see me like that!!). Now I am in 'flight' mode.... I want to hide, partly out of shame because 2 people have just witnessed this traumatic, confusing, unexplainable and illogical event. But also simply because of the fact that I have now expended a days worth of energy in less than ten minutes- talk about exhaustion.

To those who have never experienced this, you are likely just as baffled and confused by this event as I am. I wish there was a way I could explain it to you, make sense of it for you- just as much as I wish I could for myself. But I have not gotten there yet, I am trying too, but I don't know if I ever will.

To those of you who experience these attacks, I am empathize with you as much as one can. You are brave. You are strong. You are an overcomer and I stand with you.

Thank you to each and everyone one of you who have stood by a friend, coworker, family member or maybe even a stranger, who was in the middle of one of these battles. Thank you for trying with the best of your ability to understand exactly what is going on in our minds and our bodies.  Thank you for not making us feel like the monsters we are facing-for seeing that though we have anxiety we are not anxiety. 

We are real people.  We have jobs we love. We have friends and family we adore.  We enjoy life and laughter. We are normal people suffering from the effects of living in a broken and decaying world just as you are. You may get a migraines, have diabetes, or suffer from chronic pain.  I have anxiety.  You have pain.  But we are not our anxiety and we are not our pain.

Next time you see me, you may look at me bewildered at how such a vibrant, bubbly, outgoing, confident and composed person as myself could really be the person I just described. That's okay,  because trust me, when I looked in the mirror today I wondered the same thing and asked myself if yesterday was just a dream.

On Monday I will go back to work and carry on with my social life as if nothing happened and remind myself yet again that I have anxiety but anxiety does not have me. 

I do not know again when this dragon will make its appearance. I only know it will, and probably at an equally inconvient and unconventional time as i described above; but in the meantime I will live like a victor, not a victim.

I have anxiety, but anxiety does not have me.