Three Things NOT to say to Your Single Friends

As a single twenty-something year old woman, I've been given my fair share of advice on how to navigate the (sometimes) murky waters of singleness. Most of this advice has come from well-meaning Christians, and I don't doubt that those who gave me these words of wisdom truly desired the best for me. However, it unfortunately ended up doing more harm than good. What I often received was not encouragement to pursue God with my whole heart, counsel on how to serve the Lord fervently, or guidance on how to find my worth in Christ regardless of my relationship status. What I received instead are what I like to call Christian Formulas. [Do A+B and you will receive C]  I believed these formulas would magically launch me on my way to a life of marital bliss, but that was not the case. Instead I experienced disappointment and heartbreak. These formulas are extremely dangerous because they sound close to the truth, and they seem to work some of the time, but there is zero biblical evidence to back up their claims. The context we use them in are not limited to the realm of relationships, but I want to specifically address this area. I've narrowed my list down to what I think are the Top Three Myth's Christian Single's are led to believe.

Myth #1- When you're content being single, the Lord will bring you the right one.

Myth #2- When you're not looking for him, Mr. Right will find you.

Myth #3- You're far too pretty/nice/sweet/caring/and smart to remain single for the rest of your life. Your turn will come.

The reason I feel so passionately about addressing these myths are 1) I still hear these things frequently (I am also guilty of saying them to others and to myself) 2) This kind of thinking is breaking hearts 3) It portrays singleness like a disease and portrays marriage like the ultimate Christian blessing 4) It turns God in to a wish-granting genie  5) Ultimately, these myths distort God's actual design for marriage.

I will briefly share how this kind of thinking became detrimental to my own emotional, mental, and spiritual health. Typically, when a guy was pursuing me, I believed I must be doing something right to earn this special favour from the Lord. If a guy ever became disinterested or broke up with me, I believed I was being punished by God for some kind of disobedience.  My life became a constant game of do good, receive good; do bad, receive bad. [AKA a formula]  Ultimately, this kind of thinking made me believe that pursuing a relationship would give me significance and that marriage was the ultimate prize of the Christian life. This is idolatry. Christ gives me significance, not a relationship. Christ is my prize, not marriage. I have wasted a lot of tears, experienced many unnecessary heartbreaks, and damaged my relationship with the Lord over the course of my single years due to this toxic thinking, but I cannot go back and change the past. What I can do is choose to think differently now. I can also make others aware of how destructive these myths are in hopes that they will be prevented from making the same mistakes I did.

To better understand what exactly makes these myths extremely dangerous, I will dissect them one by one.

Myth #1- When you're content being single, the Lord will bring you the right one.

Sounds spiritual, right?! I like to think that if I force myself in to a place of contentment, I will be rewarded by God with a handsome hunk on my doorstep. It's gotta be in the bible somewhere.... maybe it's a hidden message that you have to search really hard for to find. If your god looks like the Genie from Aladdin, you'd have a shot at this one, but the God I read about in the bible is not a wish-granting genie. He's not a vending machine where I can put in a deposit of contentment and withdraw out a husband in exchange.

What I am not saying, is that striving for contentment is a bad thing. We should always strive for contentment. Paul speaks about this very thing, but his reason for striving for contentment is very different than what this myth leads us to believe. Paul's reason for contentment stems from the fact that he trusts in the Lord to provide for him in each and every circumstance and Christ gives him the strength to do so.

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)

This is reiterated in Hebrews 13:5. Here we are told that contentment comes when we are satisfied with what we have because God's unfailing promise to us is that he will never leave us nor forsake us.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Not only that, but it is also God's will that I be content because His Word tells me that godliness with contentment is great gain [for my good]  because those things will last beyond this passing world. 

But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. (1 Tim 6:6)

No where in scripture do I see contentment being rewarded with a spouse. That's not to say God couldn't bring us a husband/wife (or other things we want) when we are content, but by no means should that be the goal of our contentment. Christ is the goal of our contentment.

Myth #2- When you're not looking for him, Mr. Right will find you. 

Really?! Says who?! It sounds nice, but trust me, someone made this up.  You won't find this one anywhere in the bible. You've probably seen this played out in Hollywood a hundred different ways. Girl has her heart broken and gives up on love. Girl travels the world, pursues her dreams and buries herself in hobbies and books.  But in her adventures, boy finds girl when she least expects it. Boy is drawn to girl because of her mysterious independence and unavailability. Girl is caught completely off guard and tries to resist his wooing because "no, she isn't looking for love!" But it's inevitable, destiny has brought them together, and she must succumb to his romantic tactics and charming ways. He found her when she wasn't looking... and they lived Happily Ever After....

To the world, the above story sounds romantic and cute, but as Christians we are called to live to a higher standard. We are called to cast down every thought and imagination that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ (2 Corinth 10:5), and that's exactly where this myth comes from; it's merely a figment of the imagination. It's dangerous thinking because like Myth #1, we are buying into the lie that somehow our honest efforts will be rewarded in exactly the way we expect them to be. Again, that's not to say that God won't bring you the "right" person when you aren't looking for him/her, but it is not a guarantee, and it should not be an expectation. 

Instead, we should look at this way. God will bring me the person he has for me as a life partner according to His good and perfect timing, regardless if I'm looking for him or not.  Proverbs 19:21 says: Many plans are in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Psalm 138:8 says that the LORD will fulfill His purpose for me. So, rather than trying so hard not to look, we should fix our eyes on God and seek his purpose for our lives.  My point is this: Don't focus on the wrong things. We shouldn't go on adventures, pursue hobbies, and strive for independence because that will guarantee we will eventually end up married. Instead, we should seek the Lord's will in whatever we do so that whether we are single or married, we are walking in step with the Spirit and fulfilling the Lord's purposes for our lives. 

Myth #3- You're far too pretty/nice/sweet/caring/smart to remain single for the rest of your life. Your turn will come. (Obviously I'm speaking from a woman's perspective, but the same principle could be applied to a man as well: You're far too handsome/manly/smart/strong/charming to remain single for the rest of your life. Your turn will come.)

This sounds like a compliment, and I suppose in a way it is, but it does very little in spurring others on to a healthy understanding of God's purpose for singleness and marriage. If you think I am pretty/nice/sweet/caring/smart, then simply tell me that; but please, don't relate it to my relationship status.

My first problem with this myth is: What if my turn doesn't come? Does it then mean that I've failed to maintain an image that is pretty/nice/sweet/caring/smart? Because apparently those things were going to bring me a spouse. My second problem with this myth is: What about all those people who are ugly/mean/uncaring/dumb that are married?! I know, that sounds harsh, but I'm not meaning it as an insult to anyone. I say it to prove a point. My point is this: being pretty/nice/sweet/caring/smart is not a guarantee you will receive a spouse any more than being ugly/mean/uncaring/dumb is a guarantee that you will not receive a spouse. My third problem with this myth is that it glorifies external beauty and outward godliness. I should not strive to be pretty, nice, sweet, caring, and smart because it will get me a husband. I should instead strive to possess the fruit of the spirit (Gal 5:22-24) because I belong to Jesus Christ. I should strive to have the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit because that is of great worth in God's eyes. (1 Peter 3:3-4). I should strive to have a caring, tender, and selfless heart towards others because it is God's will for my life that I do so (Rom 12:10; Phil 2:4; Gal 6:10; James 1:27; Eph 4:32).

Some general conclusions...


If you are single, do not feel guilty about your desire to have a husband/wife because that is a good desire. I believe that it is God's plan for most of us to be married (Gen 2:18; Prov 18:22; 1 Cor 7:9).  Pray for your future spouse, and ask God to give you wisdom in this area; but do not waste your single years as if it is season to simply survive until you move on to something better.

If you are married, be transparent with your single friends about the joys and the challenges of married life. In no way is it beneficial to single people if you masquerade your marriage in a way that will lead us to believe that marriage is the answer to all unhappiness, loneliness, and insecurity. Hollywood has done enough damage in this area. We need to see examples lived out in front of us so that we are not mislead in to having unrealistic expectations.

Please, forget about the formulas. There are no conditions placed on us that will either qualify or disqualify us from getting married some day. If it's the Lord's will for you to be married, he will bring you a spouse in His perfect timing; and it will have nothing to do with your ability to perfectly devise and execute a prize-winning formula. It will happen because there is a man who needs a help meet and you are a suitable partner for him (Gen 2:18). The purpose of this union is not to make you whole and happy, but to further the Kingdom of God, to be heirs in the grace of life together (1 Peter 3:7), and to reflect to the world the mysterious and beautiful unity that exists between Christ [the groom] and His church [the bride]  (Eph 5:25-33).

Most of all, remember that God has a singular purpose for all of us and that is to be conformed in to the image of Christ (Rom 8:29) and to fulfill the great commission (Matthew 28:16-20). Whether you are single or married, make these two things your goal, and you will be precisely in the center of God's will for your life.

Christ in me, the hope for glory

(Col 1:27)

 

 

I would love to hear from my readers! Drop me a comment and let me know some of your own experiences with these myths. Are there any other myths out there that you would add to this list??