Heart Renovations

Your idol is your hope substitute. When anything other than your connection to Jesus Christ becomes your ultimate confidence, you have moved into the realm of idolatry.

As a continuation to my previous post about people pleasing, I want to further expand on the topic of spiritual idolatry by using an example from my own life. I know that what I'm going to share is very personal, and I do not share this to gain sympathy from others or to draw attention to myself.  I believe that God is weaving the strands of my life together to craft a masterpiece. Some of the strands are made of pain and heartbreak, trial and sorrow. Some of them are made of joy and laughter, grace and beauty. As I share this particular strand of my life with you, I hope that your hearts are encouraged.  I pray that you are pushed to know and love Christ more than you already do. 

Demolition



A year and a half ago, I was busy building a life for myself.  From the outside looking in, I had it all; a job I enjoyed, my own apartment, great friends, money to buy all the clothes/shoes/makeup, etc. that I wanted, the "perfect body" that I spent hours shaping at the gym, and a boyfriend who adored me. I woke up in the mornings driven with the hope that once I was married, everything would be truly perfect, and I would finally get the Happily Ever After I always dreamed of.

In one heart-wrenching Skype conversation that all changed, and the life I spent a year building was about to be demolished in a matter of seconds. I had just taken a 16 hour road trip to visit my then boyfriend. We spent the weekend together catching up and going over our future plans together, as we had numerous times before.  He promised me that as soon as he bought a house there would be a ring on my finger. I would then relocate to where he was living, look for a job, and find a place of my own to live until we got married. It was so well thought out, I couldn't see how anything could possibly go wrong; but as I left his place and made the long drive home after our weekend together, my heart became full of anxiety, fear and doubt. I began to question everything. Was this really what I wanted? I "loved" him, but was he really someone that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with? Was our relationship bringing glory to God or to ourselves? Why did I feel so empty and confused? How come every time we made a "plan" there was a roadblock put in our path to stop us from moving forward? Was this OUR plan or God's plan? The thought of not being able to clearly answer those questions drove me to sickness, and as I got home that night I knew something wasn't right with our relationship, but I did everything I could to distract myself from the nagging feeling that told me it's over... because deep down I knew the answers to those questions, and I didn't like them. This relationship did not bring God glory, and this was not God's plan for my life; but rather than being obedient and ending the relationship right then and there,  I held on to false hope and prayed for a miracle.

The next day I went to work with all that anxiety, fear, and doubt still burrowed in my heart. Yet I continued to ignore it. I couldn't bear the thought of losing this relationship. I convinced myself it wasn't over, it just needed a little fixing, but God had something else in mind. A bulldozer was coming straight for me and half way through the day I got a text: "We need to Skype tonight."

Later that evening, it was laid out for me as clear as day. No more questions. I finally had a definite answer. Out come the bulldozer, and I heard the words I dreaded most: "I don't want to marry you. I don't see this going anywhere. We're done." Just like that.... after a year of sharing my heart and life with this person, it was over. After months of planning and prepping, dreaming and scheming, there was nothing left to show for all the hard work I put in,  and I was not going to get my Happily Ever After...

Chiseling

Once the work of the bulldozer was finished, it was time for God to move inward, and He began chiseling away at my hard heart one layer at a time until I was fully exposed; and there, before my eyes, was a shrine of worship set up to the gods of this world. 

I was forced to examine myself, and I hated what I saw. I wondered how I could have possibly allowed myself to get to such an ugly place. It didn't happen over night. This shrine was carefully constructed over months and years.  I was a faithful church attender. I read my bible every morning, prayed regularly, served in ministry, and tithed frequently... If I did everything right, what went so wrong? How could a "good christian girl" like myself turn out to be such a fraud? Why was it so easy to paint a picture of perfection on the outside and be full of deceit and idolatry on the inside? 

It all started with a lie I've believed since I was a little girl. A lie that told me that I would never be fully loved and accepted by anyone because I was undesirable and unlovable; and rather than looking to my Creator to tell me who I was, I looked to created things (Romans 1:25). I dedicated my time and energy to worldly pursuits. I searched high and low for anyone or anything that would give me the acceptance that I longed for; but I was looking in all the wrong places.  Satan wrapped his ugly lies in beautiful and seductive packaging, and I was deceived in to believing that worldly pleasures and earthly pursuits could satisfy me. I became an idol worshiper. My idols were not things you could see visibly with the eye. They did not take the form of a golden calf, an asherah pole, or a carved image. My idols were in the heart.

Ezekiel warned the Israelites about this very kind of idolatry:

And the word of the Lord came to me: "Son of man, these men have taken their idols into their hearts, and set the stumbling block of iniquity before their faces. Should I indeed let myself be consulted by them? Therefore speak to them and say to them, thus says the LORD GOD: Any one of the house of Israel who takes his idols into his heart and sets the stumbling block of his iniquity before his face, and yet comes to the prophet, I the LORD will answer him as he comes with the multitude of his idols, that I may lay hold of the hearts of the house of Israel, who are all estranged from me through their idols. (Ez 14:2-5)

 The prophet Hosea says it this way:

They do not cry to me from the heart [internal], but they wail upon their beds [external]; for grain and wine they gash themselves [ritual and religiosity] and rebel against me. (Hos 7:14)

The prophet Jeremiah reminds us:

I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds (Jer 17:10) 

Do you see the picture here?! The LORD does not care about the appearance of godliness on the outside when the inside is littered with idolatry. We give account to the LORD for what is hidden in the heart.   We must also be aware that idols have an agenda, and it is not a good one. The whole purpose of idolatry is to estrange [cause someone to be no longer affectionate to someone; to no longer be involved or connected with someone; to alienate, drive away] us from the Living God. 

 The psalmist describes idolatry this way:

Their idols are silver and gold; The work of men’s hands. They have mouths, but they do not speak;Eyes they have, but they do not see; They have ears, but they do not hear;Noses they have, but they do not smell;They have hands, but they do not handle;Feet they have, but they do not walk;Nor do they mutter through their throat. Those who make them are like them; So is everyone who trusts in them. (Psalm 115:4-8)

In other words, idols are a counterfeit of the real thing. They have the appearance of a living god [eyes, ears, nose, hands, and feet], but they are nothing more than mute, blind, deaf, immobile statues. Not only that, but as we put our trust in an idol, we start to become like that idol. We ourselves morph into lifeless statues. Therefore, in looking to an idol as a source of life, we are actually handing ourselves over to death. 

And that is exactly what happened to me. I was estranged from God. I maintained an outward appearance of godliness, but my heart heart was far from God.  I trusted in lifeless idols built by the work of men's hands.  I spent so much time and energy constructing a life that looked beautiful on the outside that I neglected to take care of the inside. With all the walls down,  I was forced to look at myself for who I really was, and I hated what I saw. I was a religious pharisee, a whitewashed tomb on the outside but nothing more than dead man's bones on the inside. As my self-created life slowly and steadily slipped out of my hands, I knew that something had to change or I would end up either dead or in a frantic scramble to reconstruct my life with the fragmented pieces of my broken dreams. This would not fix the problem. It would only recreate the mess.  I needed a complete renovation, starting from the inside out. 

Renovations

This is where I finally gave up, fell on my knees, and begged God to take control of my life once again. My idols, now exposed for the fraud's they truly were, became completely futile to deliver me from the mess I was in. I knew it was time to surrender and let God rebuild me.

I was at the mercy of a Holy and Just God, and I deserved to be cast aside as a blemished and impure bride. I deserved to be placed under the heavy rod of discipline until I was beaten back into submission. I deserved to go through the furnace of affliction to be purged of all unrighteousness.

But it was in these moments of repentance that God began to show me a side of Himself that I had long forgotten about. Yes, I deserved those things, and I was guilty before a righteous God, but I found something I did not expect. I discovered a God who was slow to anger and abounding in love (Psalm 103:8) ; a God who would not turn away a broken and contrite heart. (Psalm 51:7). ; a God who wanted to restore me and heal me (Jeremiah 30:17; Hosea 6:1 ); a God who is faithful in all he says and does and cannot lie (Psalm 103:8; Hebrews 6:18); a God who is for me, not against me (Romans 8:31); a God who is not formed or served by human hands, for he needs nothing from us. He is completely self-existing and self-sustaining. In him is the breathe that gives all creatures life (Acts 17); a God who loves me so much that He sent His one and only Son to die for me, while I was yet a sinner (John 3:16; Romans 5:8).

That is a God who is worthy of all my adoration and affections. That is a God who loves me fiercely, heals me completely, and satisfies me fully.

My hands were tied, and all I could do was spend hours sitting in the presence of God, letting him lavish his love on me. The tiring and daunting task of building my own life was finally over;  my only job was to "be still and know that He is God." He whispered ever so gently and lovingly these words to my heart:

"I want to be more than just your Saviour. I want to be your Lord, your Master, your Lover, and your King because you are MINE. I bought you with MY blood. I am jealous for you because you are my precious possession. You've spent enough time prostituting yourself to the gods of this world who don't care whether you live or die. It's time to come home and find your rest in me. "  

As God took me through the renovation process, I was remodelled from the inside out; and for the first time in months, He had me all to himself, and my soul found true peace. That's not to say that everything happened seamlessly, for I had to live with the natural consequences of my sin during my time of rebellion. I also had to constantly fight the feelings of bitterness, anger and unforgiveness that so easily took root in my heart; but God dealt with me in love as he sang this song over me day in and day out.

 “Therefore I am now going to allure her;  I will lead her into the wilderness
    and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond  as in the days of her youth,
    as in the day she came up out of Egypt [bondage and slavery].

“In that day,” declares the Lord,  “you will call me ‘my husband’;
    you will no longer call me ‘my master.’

I will betroth you to me forever;

    I will betroth you in  righteousness and justice,

    in love and compassion.

I will betroth you in faithfulness,

    and you will acknowledge the Lord." (Hosea 2:14-20)

For the next several months, God took me on a journey to the center of His heart.  I experienced an intimacy with God that I had never known before. As I grieved the loss of the idols I had worshipped and served for so long, God began to fill the empty and wounded places of my heart with his perfect and unfailing love. It was exactly the balm that I needed to sooth my broken and aching heart.

I was His, and He was mine; a daughter and her King; a bride and her Groom.

Reconstruction

Once God was back on the throne of my heart, He slowly began pouring blessings back in to my life. I got a promotion at work, gained a roommate (who is presently one of my best friends), and found rich fellowship at a college and career group. These were some of the earthly gifts he gave me [That does not mean God is a genie and everything will magically go exactly the way I want it to, and I will get everything I ask for. That is the prosperity gospel. It's a false gospel, and it's a ridiculous reason to follow Christ. It just means that He will supply me with what He knows I need instead of with what I think I need]; and more than all the earthly gifts combined, I treasured the heavenly gifts He gave me. I learned that my confidence, worth, and beauty are found in Christ alone. He gives me significance. He is all my hope and peace. My future is secure because God is sovereign over my life. In Him I find amazing grace, divine love, and lasting joy.  I discovered that I am most content and satisfied when I am living for an audience of One. He is the unmovable and unshakable rock that my house should be built upon.

By no means do I claim to have it all figured out. I am a work in progress, and I know that my story is not over. There are chapters to be written, and there are many strands yet to be woven into the picture of my life before it is a finished masterpiece. I still continue to struggle with idolatry, often falling into patterns of sin and giving in to the lusts of my flesh; but I  have learned that what Christ most desires from me is obedience motivated out of my love for Him because He first loved me (John 14:15; 1 John 4:19). I can delight in obedience because I am his child, and He is a loving Father who knows how to take good care of his children (Luke 11:9-12).

I encourage you, as Paul encouraged the Thessalonians, to turn to God from idols to serve the living and true God! (1 Thess 1:9).

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols." 

(1 John 5:20-21)