For some people, intimacy is a terrifying word, and the thought of being exposed, vulnerable, and "fully known" stirs up feelings of anxiety. Often this is the case when someone has been abused, taken advantage of, or been hurt by someone with whom they were once vulnerable with. I think at some point in our lives all of us have experienced this pain, and either we chose to forgive and work through it, or we continue to hang on to the pain and shut ourselves off to those around us who long to be close to us.
The fear that we often feel when we are about to become vulnerable with somebody is not necessarily a bad thing. It can protect us from giving away too much of ourselves too soon. It is good to keep ourselves guarded to a certain point, and not everybody needs to be let in on the most intimate details of our lives. But if we do this with everybody, we will never experience the joy, closeness, warmth, and affection that comes when we are vulnerable with another person.
I like the way CS Lewis puts it in his book The Four Loves
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
He not only speaks about the pain that being vulnerable may potentially cause us, but about the dark side of the alternate option, which is to never be vulnerable to anybody. It may be safe, but it only causes one's heart to become cold and hard.
To speak from personal experience, there was a time in my own life where my heart had become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. Betrayal left me feeling that I would never again trust another person, never again would I open up and be vulnerable. I carried around with pride the thought that "never AGAIN will I let someone hurt me like that!" It gave me a sense of control and satisfaction that some how I was getting back the power I lost when I opened myself up to that person who hurt me, but it only lasted for a short while. Eventually I realized I was the loneliest I had ever been, and to stay in that place was to forfeit any chance of experiencing a deep love, trust, and warmth with another person again. That's when I decided that vulnerability WAS worth the risk (when used with discretion, of course), and I would no longer confine myself to that safe, dark, motionless and airless casket. If I stayed there, I would surely suffocate.
To come out of that casket was a process. It didn't happen over night. Or over a week. But over months of bringing my feelings of unforgiveness, coldness, and bitterness to God in prayer. God began to show me that my heart was HARD. Not only towards other people, but towards God because I chose to blame Him for the pain that this person brought me. Going through this process sometimes meant spending hours on my knees praying, tears pouring down my face, day after day after day... and it was through these tears and raw moments of prayer, that God chose to reveal to me a greater truth about myself that I had missed all along. That truth was the fact that the PERFECT and UNBROKEN intimacy that I longed for in another person could only be found in HIM. And as I poured my heart out to God I realized that He had been with me all along, loving me, holding me, whispering words of affection to my heart. I was FULLY KNOWN by Him, and at the same time, FULLY LOVED by Him. Eventually I began thanking God for the heartbreak that I experienced from this person because through that brokenness He showed me that I was missing out on the greatest love of all. I was holding myself back from the One who wanted to have ALL of me, not just the parts I was willing to give Him.
In sharing what I did above, I know I have made myself vulnerable, but I'm okay with that. My hope is that someone else will find healing, and most importantly, be drawn to the God who is the Greatest Lover I know! Maybe you're in the middle of a heartbreak as you read this. Let me encourage you and tell you that God is calling you to Himself to find in Him what you've been looking for in someone else.
The reason this is on my mind today, is because I came across 1 Corinthians 13:12 in my morning devotions. I was startled by what I read. I love how the Holy Spirit continues to reveal truth to us in a fresh way, even after we have read over a verse countless times before.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror [imperfect, puzzling, like a riddle]; then we shall see face to face [with perfect clarity]. Now I know in part [partial and incomplete] then I shall know fully [completely], even as I am fully known [Just as God now knows me completely].
Maybe like me you've always skipped over this verse, because it comes after the ever-popular "love passage", but this morning the Holy Spirit spoke through this verse to me in a new way. The first part I've thought about before, and I think I have a fairly good understanding of what Paul is saying. On this side of heaven, we can't fully, perfectly, and clearly know and understand the love, grace, and glory of God. We have "reflections" of it, as revealed through the scriptures, His son Jesus Christ (John 1:14), and through creation (Romans 1:20), but we still only know in part. When Christ returns and brings us up to heaven to be with Him, we will see with perfect clarity the love, grace, and glory of God. The mystery of all that I long to understand about Him now will be revealed to me fully! I, the creature, will have complete knowledge of the Creator.
What a beautiful day that will be!!
But we can't simply skip over the latter part of this verse.
I AM FULLY KNOWN
I AM FULLY KNOWN
I AM FULLY KNOWN
I AM FULLY KNOWN
I AM FULLY KNOWN
I had to read over it a few times to affirm that what I thought I was reading was actually there. Wow, take a second and think about that. I am fully known by God. Yes, that means EVERY part of me, the good the bad and the ugly, including the horrible thoughts in my head that I would never speak out loud. I am fully exposed before my God, and yet he CHOOSES to be in relationship with me. I can't adequately describe how this makes me feel, but I can relate to the words penned by King David in Psalm 139.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I
rise up;
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are aquatinted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
Along with the Psalmist I too say that the knowledge of this is more than I can ever wrap my mind around.
But I won't let that stop me from marvelling at it, enjoying it, and resting in it.
I am fully known!
Do you long to be intimate with somebody, to make yourself completely vulnerable, and at the same time have that person still CHOOSE you and LOVE you. And not only that, but with the promise that you will never be taken advantage of or abused by that person? Look no further! The God of the universe is calling you into a relationship like this with Himself. You will find no other love so perfectly complete as the love He will give you. Keep in mind that this doesn't mean God will never discipline you (Proverbs 3:12; Hebrews 12:6) and that there won't be moments of pain and disappointment in your life as you walk with Him; but if you turn to Him, He will use these moments of pain to draw you closer to Him, and you will say as Job did "My ears heard of you, but now my eyes see you." (Job 42:5).
...And one day, just as He fully knows you now, you will fully know Him!
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