Confessions of a Chronic People Pleaser

Saying "yes" to leading something, attending something, or making something

[I hope I get some recognition for this... This will definitely make me look more spiritual. I have been feeling kind of useless lately, this will give me a sense of purpose. This will really show *insert name of person I'm trying to impress* that I am capable of anything. My boss will be super impressed that I'm so eager and motivated.]

Saying "no" to  leading something, attending something, or making something

[They are going to think I'm completely incapable/lazy/incompetent. This will make me look selfish and self-absorbed. If I don't do it, no one else will. Now I feel guilty, what if they don't find someone else who can do it; I should have just said yes!]

Your biggest fear in life is having someone "not like you" 

[What do you mean *this person* said they had a problem with me. Did they tell you why? Was it something I said or something I did? Once i know what it is that I said or did, I will make sure that I never say/do that thing around *this person again*]

Your greatest concern when having people over for a meal is whether you made something that EVERYONE enjoyed eating

[While observing your guests your thoughts are racing: Why did he take a second helping of the turkey and not of the mashed potatoes... does he not like my mashed potatoes?! I knew I added way too much garlic! Why did I even add garlic. Who likes garlic anyway?! I'm the worst mashed potato maker there ever was!!]

After calling "in sick" for work (I am ACTUALLY sick, puke my guts out kind of sick) 

[I wonder if people will think I'm just faking it. My coworkers probably think I'm weak/lazy. I should just suck-it-up and go anyway; the guilt of staying at home wondering what people think of me is worse than going to work feeling deathly ill]

Confronting someone who did/said something that hurt me 

[Bringing this up with *that person* could potentially cause more conflict. Conflict is uncomfortable. I should just let this go. I'm probably being oversensitive anyway. What if  I hurt *this person's* feelings and I end up creating a bigger problem than was there to begin with]

Having someone confront me when I did/said something that hurt him/her

[I can't believe I did something to upset this person! Especially when I tried to hard to please him/her. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about the fact that I've offended this person who I care so much about.]

                             ....and the list could go on....

I wish I could say that the reason I know these are the thoughts that go through the head of a people-pleaser is because I've read a books about people pleasers, and I've talked with others who are people pleasers; but this isn't the case. The reason I know these are the thoughts that run through the mind of a people pleaser is because I am one. Yes, these thoughts seem extreme and *slightly* exaggerated, but I would not be stretching the truth to say that at some time in my life, I have thought all of those things. I am that person who considers how wonderful people will think I am if I say "yes" to that project that I know I really don't have time to complete. I am that person that lives with gut-wrenching guilt every time I say "no" to someone because they may be disappointed in me. I am that  person who does everything in my power to ensure that I am "liked by all people at all times" even if it potentially means compromising on what I know is right. I am that person who too often avoids conflict and confrontation because it's easier to hide the pain I feel than to worry about hurting someone else's feelings. 

I am a people pleaser. 

If you relate to most of what I said, chances are that you may be one, too. If not, maybe you are married to one, or work with one, or gave birth to one. Either way, at some point in all of our lives, the disease of people pleasing rears its ugly head. It's completely mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. It's a battle that can never be won because life experience tells us that there will ALWAYS be people who aren't pleased with us; they may have a problem with the way we dress, the way we walk, talk, breathe, laugh, sit, stand, drive, park, bake a cake, cook a chicken, paint our kitchen... etc... (You get the picture! ) My point is this: People pleasing is a dead end street. You are a hamster running tirelessly on a wheel. You cannot win. You might come close. Maybe you please 9\10 people the majority of the time, but what about that one person who never seems satisfied with your performance? (I assure you, there will ALWAYS be that one person). 
The tricky thing about people pleasing, is that there are many ways it can be justified.The actions themselves are often not the problem.  Isn't it good to be well-liked by others? Isn't it admirable and selfless to make time for that person/project when he/she needs me? Isn't it godly to try to avoid conflict and be at peace with all people at all times? Doesn't it make me a good hostess when I go out of my way to make the food my guests will like?  Isn't it honorable to want to be a reliable employee who consistently shows up to work?

At surface level, the answer to all these questions is "yes." It is admirable to volunteer your time and resources and help out when you are needed. It is godly to do your best to live peaceably with all men. It is gracious to learn the likes and dislikes of your guests so they are comfortable and well-fed. It is honorable to work hard to earn the respect of your employer.

People pleasers are often well-liked. They tend to be faithful friends, hard workers, and peacekeepers. There is usually a pay-off to being a people-pleaser. That is what makes it incredibly addicting. It looks so good on the outside. 

Why then, as a spirit-filled Christian, do I feel a strong conviction in this area of my life. Why am I making a big deal of this?

Firstly, if it is not dealt with, it becomes a toxic virus that spills over into every area of your life. It will affect your relationships with friends, your family, and your coworkers. It will affect how you approach ministry opportunities and how you share the gospel with others. Secondly, it brings a list of other sins with it: Dishonesty, jealousy, pride, unbelief, fearing people rather than fearing God, hypocrisy, cowardliness, manipulation, and unforgiveness (to name a few).Thirdly, people pleasing, at its core, is a form of spiritual idolatry

It is a heart issue; 
It is a worship issue;
It is Lordship issue.

That is a big deal.

Keep in mind that people pleasing is not a new problem. The apostle Paul was well aware of how easy it is to fall in to the trap of people pleasing. He warns us in Galatians 1:10 

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am i trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

That sounds harsh (and it is), but there is hope! The Holy Spirit is willing and able to help us overcome this sin (Romans 8:26). If you repent and ask Him for help, He will begin changing your heart from the inside out. This is a process and not something that happens over night. I have felt the power of the Holy Spirit in my own life regarding this area. As I continue to work through this issue,  I see God changing my heart. As I begin to make pleasing Christ my aim, the opinions of others matter less and less.  I know that I have a long ways to go, but I remain hopeful, for I am confident that He who began this work in me will finish what He has started! (Phil 1:6)

To be continued...